Thursday, February 19, 2009


I am still struggling to learn the balance of self-love in my adult life

I still distrust others

I have difficulty expressing emotions

I have low self-esteem or have a poor self image

I have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others

I feel angry, anxious, depressed, isolated from others, or unlovable

I have learned it is easier to live far away from my family.

One does not choose this lifestyle. I come from a family that allowed me to be physically and mentally abused. Some say it is just an excuse putting blame on how one is raised. I know I am a survivor in more ways than one. It wasn't until I got into therapy that I realized just how far back my depression went. As a child I tried overdosing twice and both failed but not because it was caught by my parents, my method didn't work. My parents didn't even realize I was trying to commit suicide. I didn't even know I was trying to commit suicide, I just knew I wanted the beatings and scolding to stop.

When ever we did something wrong our Mom would let our Dad handle the punishment.. Usually this meant a beating with a board. How wrong is that? Although I usually got what ever was handy and that depended on if it was within the sight of my Mom or not. If Mom wasn't around it usually was a fist.

My Dad and I have discussed my growing up and why he was like that. He is apologetic now as he knows what he did has affected my life. His only excuse was he was raised with being beat by his father. I can understand that now. I didn't understand it when I was growing up and I never understood why my Mom never intervened. I don't remember ever feeling love from either of my parents when I was growing up. My Grandparents who lived in Rockford, Il and came down for frequent visits showed me the meaning of unconditional love.

I love my parents just in a very distant way. My sisters are much closer to them than I. I am most definitely out in left field when it comes to my family.

As my children get older, my daughter and I get closer and my son and I grow farther apart. Strange how that is because when they were little it was the opposite.


AlekSandra said...

Sorry for that,thats not the way how we supposed to grow up.I moved 2000 miles away from my family cause they let me been molessted and sexualy abused by a neighbour,I was 4 years old.When I was 15 got brutaly raped by someone I knew but I didnt want to have anything to do with him.For several years I had a relationship with a (have no words to describe that kind of a soryexusforahumanbeing)man,who raped me until I finaly dared to get out of the living hell.And now,I slowly recover,after 30 years I am starting to learn how to love myself,because,all this years I thought that I did something wrong to deserve all that missery,It must have been me,4 year old babygirl.I still do not have a relation,no children,no family around cause Ive moved to faraway,and I fight my battles.Low self-esteem,poor self image,anxious,depressed,distrust others,unlovable and totaly isolated from the "real world",me going blogging is first actual wining situation for me.I used the words shrink is using too,dysfunctional,in my case,cause Im not able to stand strong in this world,not yet.So,my humble apologies if you felt bad by any of my words.Take care,Aleksandra.

Woman in a Window said...

hey, not sure how I came by you. did you find me or someone connected to me? either way, here I am. I'm not one to give hugs, really, I'm not, but I'm sending one your way 'cause I think you need it. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate to work through. I don't know if it would do anything for the good, but perhaps. I know a woman who just started a site dedicated to stopping violence against women and ending the silence associated with that. Maybe check it out? http://violenceunsilenced.com/

be well,